Hey guys.
This post isn’t one I’m going to share on Facebook, so I don’t expect a lot of people to see it right away. Reasons for this will become obvious, but I mostly just need somewhere to vent.
I’m currently going through my first break-up from my first real relationship. We were together for about two and a half years, so adjusting from going to talking everyday to not at all is strange.
We agreed to stay together even though he was going to college 14 hours away. Oddly enough, that wasn’t the hard part. The hard part was when I found out he cheated on me and lied about it for a year. The hard part was when he chose to study abroad in a place we had never talked about and never talked to me about going there. The hard part was when he lied to me about doing drugs.
And stupidly, I thought we could still make it work! So I stayed. And now I know I will never do that to myself again. I lost so much of myself in that relationship. . . he stole me from my friends but got mad at me when I didn’t want to spend as much time with him and his friends. My friends hated him. That should’ve been my first clue. He would get mad at me for doing the same things he would do, even though I wouldn’t be angry. He called me names I will never allow another human being to call me again. He was manipulative, controlling, and honestly just mean at times. But I was “in love”.
And now here I am in France, trying to deal with adjusting to this culture and losing my first love. But I’m not even that upset, which is weird. I think it’s because I knew it was over as soon as he left. We had a horrible summer. I wanted to beg him not to leave. I wanted to run away together. I wanted nothing more than to have him by my side through everything and I was so sure he felt the same way. He told me I was his future. He told me he would never hurt me. But isn’t that what they all say? I should’ve ran as fast as I could as soon as I found out he slept with someone else. I never trusted him after that. He even cheated on his girlfriend before me (which was also a long term relationship) reinforcing the good ol’ saying “once a cheater, always a cheater”. Never again.
I vow to myself right now that I will NEVER let another person make me feel the things he did. I will NEVER allow a person to make me feel so low. I will become the only person I ever need to rely on. Because now I know that you’re the only one you can ever REALLY trust. Now I know that in future relationships, if something doesn’t feel right, it means it’s not right. I know as soon as I feel myself falling out of love I need to leave because it will only lead to more pain.
The relief I feel to finally be free of something so painful can only be a sign of moving on (I hope). I just want to be happy. And I know this is good for both of us. He needed to grow up, I need someone I can grow with. Being in France is so good for me right now, where I can travel and feel exhilarated and love life and feel small by the places I’m seeing. And I honestly wish the best for him, but my feelings towards him are very bitter. He will always be my first love, but the things he made me feel will stay in the past with him. I never want to feel those feelings ever again. So if you ever find yourself reading this, which I doubt will happen, good luck to you. I hope you can change. I hope you can learn from all of the things that we did wrong during our time together. And I hope you never do those things to someone else, because no one ever deserves to feel that way.
– Kelsey
Kelsey 